My Cliched Pony-Or, the Attack of Lord Fluffypants
by Vesper
Summary: A semi-parody fic, now being expanded to include new 'shorts.' Rated PG-13.
1. Author's Notes

Disclaimer: My Little Pony, Skeletor references, the Rainbow of Light, etc. all belong to Hasbro. I ddon't own them, and it's probably a good thing I don't. However, Vesper, Nova, Riptide, and Lord Fluffypants are all creations of my own twisted mind, so please ask before using them in a fic. Spitfire is based off a friend of mine, so she's pretty much copyright to herself.   
  
For convience, and to give a better mental image of the ponies, here is their description, going in a gender/body color/hair color/symbol order. All the ponies are unipegs, so it's rather useless to list it over and over again.  
  
Nova: Male/White/Gold with a Silver Streak/Starburst  
  
Vesper: Female/Light Silver-Blue/White with a Dark Blue Streak/Four Pointed Star  
  
Spitfire: Female/White/Orange with a Dark Blue Streak/Flame  
  
Riptide: Female/Dark Blue with a White Blaze on Face/Purplish-Blue with a Dark Purple Streak/Waves  
  
Feedback and requests are always appreciated.  



	2. The Attack of Lord Fluffypants..Or Not.

Despite its nice, calm, and almost too pleasant atmosphere, there was a reason why property values were always so low in Dream Valley and other parts of Ponyland. Having your kingdom attacked by witches, monsters, and other minions of evil with plenty of brawn and too few brains had a tendency to do that. This little tendency was alive and well at Icestorm Point. A place of residency for many unipegs, it was a trouble magnet for frequent attacks by incompetent would-be villains.   
  
Inside one of the many caverns at Icestorm Point, Nova stretched his wings, jumping off one of the ice ledges and taking to the air. The white unipeg's ears flicked backwards as once more, snow began to fall.  
  
"Snow, snow, snow. Can't we ever get some nice warm weather for once? It'd be nice to have some of this ice melt."  
  
As if on cue, an icicle broke off from the ceiling, hurtling down and nearly impaling the stallion. Snorting and shaking his gold-colored forelock out of his eyes, Nova continued flying, grumbling to himself.  
  
"I just had to say that, didn't I? Never fails. Stupid author. That wasn't even ironic, DAMMIT!"  
  
Vesper, fellow unipeg and author avatar looked down from her perch as she was indirectly sworn at.   
  
"You were kind of asking for it."  
  
"Hrmph."  
  
Meanwhile, in the less snowy but still cold outskirts of Icestorm Point, trouble brewed. Pacing back and forth in front of an army of rather bored looking dragons and gryphons was a man who looked like he might've been Skeletor's third cousin, twice removed.   
  
"And so, we shall crush the ponies! We shall enslave them! We shall drink their blood and spit it upon their family members!"  
  
There was a short pause as the army tried to make sense of the last statement, as they hadn't been paying attention to most of it. The Skeletor lookalike just shook his head and sighed.  
  
"So, any questions?"  
  
A gryphon timidly raised his talons and called out,  
  
"So..um../why/ do we want to take over this place? It's cold, it's wet, and I think those ponies might bite.."  
  
The warlord went into a (literally) frothing rage at the question.  
  
"Because we're EVIL! We don't need a reason!"  
  
With assorted whimpers, the army shrank back in attempt to avoid the warlord's wrath-and flying saliva. After a few breaths, the enraged man calmed down.  
  
"Any more questions?"  
  
A dragon nodded, and stuck his hand up in the air.  
  
"Why are you called 'the Dread Ruler Lord Fluffypants'?"  
  
Lord Fluffypants sighed, rubbing at his forehead.  
  
"They were running out of names at the annual 'pick your fear inspiring name' convention for upstart villains..that was all they had left."  
  
There was a uncomfortable silence as the army attempted to figure out what they had done to get stuck in a group led by a 'Lord Fluffypants'. Attempting to get his army into a bloodthirsty mood, Lord Fluffypants held his sword aloft, while the sound of trumpets came out of nowhere.  
  
"So..uh..yeah..LET'S GO KILL SOMEONE!..or something like that."  
  
With a ragged cheer, the army charged towards Icestorm Point-although it was a very slow charge, as several army members had frostbite and others tripped on the snow. Lord Fluffypants, sitting astride an ill-tempered ice dragon, groaned to himself.   
  
"I knew I should've recruited yetis.."  
  
Back at Icestorm Point, Nova was too busy attempting remove the ice from his wings to notice the various signs that had been tacked up around the cavern. Vesper suddenly flew in, carrying several signs in her mouth, while another dangled on a chain around her neck. Unfortunately, the mare also hadn't been paying too much to her surroundings, and flew into Nova, sending white and silver-blue ponyfeathers flying, as well as Vesper's signs.   
  
"OW!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Glaring at the other unipeg, Nova wandered around the room into an attempt to retrieve his feathers. He quirked an eyebrow at one of the signs, stomping a hoof on it.   
  
"Vesper, what's this?"  
With a smirk, Vesper got back on her hooves, running around the room and gathering the remaining signs into a large pile.  
  
"They're signs. I thought the readers might've gotten confused with the whole 'Lord Fluffypants' bit, so I made signs to make everything easier to follow. See?"  
  
She pointed to the sign hanging around her neck. The now ragged looking piece of parchment read 'Author Avatar Pony'. Grabbing one of the signs in her mouth, she trotted towards Nova and dropped it on his head. One swift stamp (and very loud curse) later, Nova had a sign reading 'Unlikely Hero Pony' stuck on his head.  
  
"I'm really starting to hate you."  
  
Vesper shrugged at Nova's sour expression, then glanced around the room curiously.  
  
"I'm just trying to help. Where's Riptide? I need to give her the 'Sidekick' sign."  
  
Rubbing a hoof on his head, Nova snorted as he tried to remove the sign.  
  
"Down by the lake, I think. Why she loves water so much, I don't know. She should've been a seapony."  
  
Grabbing all her cards, Vesper flashed a cheerful grin and a nod before flying out of the cavern. Nova attempted to remove the sign from his head, failing miserably. He looked around the room, reading all the other signs scattered about.  
  
"Hero's sword..conviently placed book of magic..cliched plot ender: do not open until end of story..sheesh."   
  
Nova shrugged to himself with a sigh as he peered at the sword again.  
  
"Well, I might as well get this over with."  
  
After a few moments of trying to figure out how to pick it up, Nova grabbed the sword's handle with his mouth, and flew out of the cavern, once more nearly getting crushed by a falling icicle. The unipeg flapped into another cavern, this one scattered with various sketches and buckets of paint. Out of paper pile, a unipeg's head suddenly appeared. More papers scattered everywhere as she flew out of the pile, hovering above Nova.  
  
"Hi!"  
  
Nova snorted as a paper got caught on his hoof, stamping it against the ground several times. Dropping the sword from his mouth, he glanced up at the orange haired unipeg.  
  
"Hi, Spitfire."  
  
Spitfire peered curiously at the sign stuck to Nova's head, then grinned at him as she read it.  
  
"You're a hero? Ooh!"  
  
"Just help me remove the freaking sign."  
  
The mare nodded, and tugged at the sign, finally managing to free it-along with some of Nova's mane.  
  
"OW!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Grumbling to himself, Nova picked up the sword again and flapped out of the cavern, several drawings still attached to his hooves. Spitfire stuck her head out of the cave and called to the other unipeg.   
  
"If you need a portrait, just come back later!"  
  
Lord Fluffypants was, to put it lightly, an extremely pissed would-be villain. But to put it in happy, My Little Pony, network censors approved way, he was just a very, very, unhappy non-friend to the ponies. It was cold, it was wet, and most of his army weren't exactly the brightest crayons in the box. However, would-be villains are known to have the luck of fools, and so Lord Fluffypants was especially blessed. A gryphon came out of the sky, calling out that he had just seen Icestorm point in the distance. Lord Fluffypants cheered up at that news, and called to his army.  
  
"Let us go, then! We shall overrun their home! We shall pillage and loot! We shall slay these dogs and laugh at their corpses!"  
  
The army stared blankly at Lord Fluffypants for a moment. The ice dragon Lord Fluffpants had been riding turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised.  
  
"But they're ponies-"  
  
"SILENCE! I know that they are miniscule horses! We shall wage war against them, nevertheless!"  
  
After a few moments of talking amongst themselves, the army did a collective shrug and continued onwards to Icestorm Point. Several hours later, the snow covered and exhausted army dropped in front of the unipeg stronghold. Lord Fluffypants weakly knocked on the large wooden door. Spitfire peered out at the skull faced man, giving a greeting flap of her wings.  
  
"Hiya!"  
  
"Um. Hello, tiny, overly happy horse.."  
  
Spitfire's ears pinned back and she stamped a hoof, the white unipeg shaking her orange forelock out of the way of her eyes.  
  
"I'm a pony."  
  
"Whatever. Look, can we just pillage this place, set fire to it, and enslave the lot of you? I'm kind of running on a schedule here."  
  
As Spitfire was about to respond, Nova had decided to get the whole hero business over with. He charged out the door, knocking over Spitfire and attempting to yell something with the sword in his mouth.  
  
"MHMPH!"  
  
Riptide, wearing an 'Offical Sidekick' sign around her neck, flew after him, pausing to hover over Lord Fluffypants' army.  
  
"I think he said 'CHARGE!' but it might've been something else. Can anybody here lip-read?"  
  
The army was too busy staring at the sword carrying unipeg to respond. Nova attempted to use the sword on Lord Fluffypants, but only managed to hit him over the head several times with the broadside.  
  
"Ouch! OW! Bad horse!"  
  
Nova, finally figuring out that perhaps a sword wasn't the best weapon to use if one was four-footed and equine, spat out the sword and proceeded to simply kick and head-butt the army. In a last ditch effort to make some sort of sense out of the plot, Riptide flew into one of the cavern openings, grabbed the cliched plot ender, and dive-bombed towards what was left of the army. She dropped the box, and as it hit the snow, the object exploded into a ball of rainbow light. Spitfire, who had dragged down her sketch pad during the fighting, oohed at the sudden burst of color.   
  
"It's the Rainbow of Light (TM)!"  
  
Vesper, who had entered through a plot hole, poked at Spitfire with a hoof.  
  
"Ssh. We're not that cliché."  
  
The Not-Really-But-Pretty-Close-To-It Rainbow of Light didn't really do much; the flash of light alone was enough to make the dragons and gryphons scatter in surprise. The only impressive thing it did was turn Lord Fluffypants into a chipmunk. Not wanting to get stepped on in the stampede of gryphons and dragons, the Chipmunk-Formerly-Known-As-Lord-Fluffypants skittered up a tree, chattering angrily at the unipegs. Riptide blinked at the sudden end of the chaos.  
  
"So, that was..anticlimatic.."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Mhm."  
  
Nova snorted, shaking the snow off himself and flying back into the caverns.  
  
"Okay, I'm done with the hero bit. It's over. No more hero pony. You want someone to charge into battle, you find some other idiot, Vesper!"  
  
Vesper shrugged at Nova's ranting, glancing around at the other mares.  
  
"So, anyone interested in-"  
  
Riptide and Spitfire flew back in the relative safety of the caverns before the question could be finished. Vesper, undaunted, grabbed a piece of paper from another conveniently placed plot hole and wandering back into the caverns, humming to herself as she started writing again.  



	3. Interlude with the Chipmunk

The hooting was slowly driving Nova insane.

__

Hoothoot..hoothoot..hoothoot..SCREEE!

The falcon didn't do much to help his mental state, either. 

__

Hoothoot..hoothoot..hoothoo-

"SHUT UP!"

The snowy owls turned their heads at the unipeg stallion, blinking their large yellow eyes at him. Ra, the falcon, just snapped his beak in annoyance, fluffing his feathers at Nova. The unipeg fluffed back, scowling at all the birds.

"Would it kill you all to just /be quiet/ for once? Would it?"

Riptide dive-bombed down from one of the high caverns, shaking her forelock out of her face as she called to Nova.

"They're owls; of course they hoot. You can't blame them for doing what comes naturally."

Nova glared at the falcon, which glared back.

"Well, at least Horus could get that damn falcon to calm down. The stupid thing attacked me this morning."

The mare frowned at Nova, laying her ears back.

"You yelled at him when he was eating, didn't you?"

"He was dragging a chipmunk carcass all around the library. Blood was-"

Riptide cut Nova off as she turned to the falcon, tilting her head at him.

"Aww, poor Horus. You've got to eat, don't you? Don't listen to cranky old Nova. He doesn't understand you, does he?"

Ra screed softly, flapping off his perch and landing on the dark blue mare's shoulder. She grinned at Nova.

"See? If you would be nice to him, he would like you."

"He had chipmunk parts all over the LIBRARY! And the owls are just as bad, if not worse!"

One of the owls clacked its beak at Nova, then hooted to the rest of the group. With a silent flapping of wings, the flock took to the sky, heading for another cavern. At the sight of the other birds leaving, Ra flapped off of Riptide's shoulder, screeching as he followed the flock. Riptide shrugged at the other unipeg. 

"Like I said, they're owls. Besides, they are useful. They can carry messages when we can't, and they eat all the chipmunks that keep getting in here."

At the mention of rampant chipmunks, Nova reared onto his hindlegs, looking for any of the aforementioned rodents. Seeing none, he dropped back down onto all fours, flicking an ear back and raising an eyebrow.

"What is it with all these chipmunks, anyway? They've never gotten in here before."

Spitfire trotted into the room, glancing at the pair curiously.

"Do you guys know where the owls are? Those chipmunks are eating my painting supplies again.."

Riptide gestured upwards with her horn.

"They went thataway."

Spitfire nodded, but before she could take to the air, an enraged scream echoed through the caverns. Roughly five seconds later, two chipmunks went flying out of a nearby cavern, shooting through the air like furry bullets. The group stared as both rodents headed towards one of the stone walls. But before they could become splatters, Ra, ever the opportunist dived out of the sky and caught them both, nearly flying into the wall himself. He flew off somewhat unsteadily with his prey, leaving the ponies gapejawed.

"I told you that bird was nuts."

"I give it an 8.6."

"Where's my easel and paints?"

From the cavern that the chipmunks had flown from, Vesper flapped out, ears laid flat against her head. Nova stared at her, raising an eyebrow. 

"Vesper, do you know why two chipmunks just-"

"They ate my papers! All of them! There's just little paper pieces now!"

Vesper landed beside the group, stamping a hoof in anger. 

"I swear, if I see one more brown, tailless, PAPER EATING rat, I'm going to-"

From one of the high level caverns, there was a soft rumble. It grew slowly but steadily, increasing in volume as something caused the other caverns nearby to shake and send rock and ice splinters flying. Unipegs and the few pegasai that lived at Icestorm Point flew out of the caverns, ducking and weaving between falling shards of stone and ice. The occasional unicorn and earthling galloped out of the lower level caverns, looking for more stable places to hide under. Growing ever louder, the rumbling continued, and finally..a great ball flew out of a high cavern, making it cave in. 

It was huge. 

It was magnificent, in a twisted sort of way.

It was chipmunks.

The great, now airborne ball was a mass of chipmunks, which had somehow managed to get frozen together, stuck in an icy ball of brown, white, and black fur. Nova was the first to speak.

"Great Rainbow, what the-"

Vesper, Riptide, and Spitfire simultaneously slammed their hooves on Nova's muzzle before he could finish. They all winced as their hooves stomped on each other's, and the stallion made a muffled yell of pain. The giant frozen ball of chipmunk carnage kept on rolling towards the group, who blinked in surprise when they finally realized that the mammoth squeaking mass could in fact kill them. With a flurry of feathers, the unipegs took to the air, joining the rest of Icestorm Point's populace in attempting to avoid being harpooned by pieces of the shaking caverns.

The ball continued to wreck havoc, finally rolling through one of the walls and out into the wilderness surrounding Icestorm Point. Outside, a chipmunk-a skullfaced one at that-paced outside. It was the Chipmunk-Formerly-Known-As-Lord-Fluffypants.

"What could be taking them so long? I've been sending thousands upon thousands of chipmunks in there! No fortress could withstand a plague of rodents that large! There should be death, and chaos, and the entire fortress burning as pony blood covers the snow! You hear me?! FIREY CHIPMUNK DEATH!"

In his ranting, Lord Fluffypants failed to notice the rumbling in the distance. He only noticed it as a huge shadow was suddenly cast across the snow. His skeletal jaw hung loose in disbelief, and his eyes widened as the giant frozen ball of chipmunk carnage rumbled towards him. 

WHUMP.

The ball rolled over Lord Fluffypants, getting him stuck in the icy mass of fur. His squeaks of rage echoed across the landscape as the continued rolling along. Meanwhile, back at Icestorm Point, the caverns had stopped shaking debris loose, and all of the ponies were gathered in the main cavern, staring at the massive hole in the wall. There was a long pause. Finally, Spitfire peered out the hole, looking at the nearby pine forest. 

"Well, at least now we have an easy way to get the Christmas tree through this year.."


	4. That was Bad, This is Worse

Author's Note: This is a songfic, using Blink 182's song 'Aliens Exist'. The song is copyrighted to the band themselves, while the usual disclaimer applies to everything else. If you're looking for more Lord Fluffypants, you'll have to wait-he doesn't appear in this chapter. On the continued thread of songs, if you'd rather not listen to 'Aliens Exist', the 'Black Rider' track from the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack fits the forest scene. Now, back to our regularly scheduled fanfic:

__

Hey mom there's something in the backroom  
I hope it's not the creature from above

"I'm telling you, I saw something out there. It wasn't a pony..it wasn't a Raal..it wasn't natural. It looked like some sort of twisted, deformed beast!"

"Been falling asleep on the parchments again, Horus? I've heard that some of those old dyes can cause you to see things if you accidentally swallow some, and-"

"Are you implying that I drool in my sleep?"

"Well..yeah. Besides, what could be out there?"

"I don't know, but it can't be right. Something unnatural is out there. And I have a little more experience with the unnatural than I'd like, so I think I know what I'm talking about!"

"If you're that stubborn, we might as well go on a patrol-look for Raals, at least."

Riptide trotted towards the group, giving them a curious look.

"What's this about a patrol?"

Vesper looked form Riptide to Horus.

"Horus says he saw something that wasn't pony, Raal, or anything else around here. I guess we should go on a patrol to look around, if only to see if there's any Raals nearby."

The unipeg stallion flattened his ears back. 

"I still say I saw something unnatural."

__

  
You used to read me stories  
As if my dreams were boring  
We all know conspiracies are dumb

Meanwhile, Nova was busy in the library, sorting through the parchments and occasionally trying to adjust his reading glasses without breaking them. His ears twitched slightly as he heard the sound of hooves against the floor, mixed with an odd 'WHUNK' sound every so often.

"Hello, Spitfire."

"How'd you know it was me?"

"That easel of yours is incredibly loud when you're dragging it. Let me guess-chipmunks invaded your cavern again."

"Yep. Mind if I set it up in here?"

Nova set down the parchment, shaking his head and carefully taking off the reading glasses.

"As long as you don't get paint on anything, no. And tell me if you see any parchments with mentions of rodents in them. There might be some sort of information on past incidents with chipmunks..or it could be linked to something-anything-else odd."

Spitfire raised an eyebrow as she set up her easel and paints.

"You don't think the whole chipmunk thing is some kind of conspiracy, do you?"

__

  
What if people knew that these were real  
I'd leave my closet door open all night  
I know the CIA would say  
What you hear is all hearsay

I wish someone would tell me what was right

Horus gazed down at the snow covered forest below him, looking up for a moment to call to the mares.

"Have either of you seen anything yet?"

Riptide glided towards him, shaking her head.

"Not yet. Vesper?"

"Nothing. Not even one Raal, thankfully. Horus, are you sure you saw anything?"

The gold unipeg snorted, going back to watching the ground.

"I swear, that pony is too skeptical for her own good. For all we know, there could a be a herd of fakies down there, or wor-"

With a raised eyebrow, Riptide glanced downwards.

"Fakies? You think you saw a fakie?"

"Positive, or something very close to it. It was like no pony I've ever seen before."

Vesper suddenly darted towards the pair, sending some ponyfeathers flying.

"Hey! I saw something move down there, and it's moving faster than anything I've ever seen. It made a flutter look slow."

__

Up all night long  
And there's something very wrong  
And I know it must be late  
Been gone since yesterday  
I'm not like you guys  
I'm not like you

Nova's head hit the parchment with a slight thud, the writings not providing very good padding against the wooden desk.

"Ow.."

Spitfire glanced up from her painting, curious. 

"Any luck?"

"None at all. There seems to be no mention of chip-wait…oh dear. This is bad. This is extremely bad."

"What's bad?"

With a snort, Nova suddenly took to the air, flapping out of the cavern.

"Assemble a group of ponies, as well as owls. We need to do some chipmunk hunting, /now/."

__

  
I am still the skeptic yes you know me  
Been best friends and will be till we die  
I got an injection  
Of fear from the abduction  
My best friend thinks I'm just telling lies

"Erk-"

"Ouch-"

"Gods, my hoof-"

The trio was (rather uncomfortably) huddled together on a tree branch, watching for any movement below. At the snap of a branch, the group froze, waiting to see what came out of the brush. With a rustle of brush, a skeletal figure walked across the snow, its hooves making the powder crunch softly. The figure was equine-but nothing like any pony which had visited Icestorm Point before. The yellow pony slowly lifted its head up, eyes scanning the forest. Wings fluttering nervously, the trio barely held back a collective gasp.

__

Up all night long  
And there's something very wrong  
And I know it must be late  
Been gone since yesterday  
I'm not like you guys  
I'm not like you

The pony's eyes were dead. There was no spark of life in them, no sign of thought behind the cold lavender eyes. Keeping its apathetic expression, the skeletal pony slowly glanced around, the creature's gaze finally coming to rest upon the group. It reared onto its hindlegs, suddenly creating an unearthly screeching noise. The unipeg trio stared for a moment before finally snapping out of it and taking to the air.

"I don't think ponies are supposed to make that noise, no matter what breed they are!"

"Less talking, more flying!"

"Do you think there's more of them?"

__

  
Dark and scary, ordinary, explanation  
Information, nice to know ya, paranoia  
Where's my mother, biofather  
Up all night long

Vesper looked at the other unipegs, all of them panting slightly from the effort of flying away as fast as possible. 

"I hope not. What /was/ that thing, Horus?"

"I believe I've heard of them before, but it would take too long to explain now. I would suggest getting back to the caverns before trying to sort all this out."

__

And there's something very wrong  
And I know it must be late  
Been gone since yesterday  
I'm not like you guys  
Twelve majestic lies


	5. Worse than Chipmunks?

In a land where everyone was supposed to be happy, nice, and most of all, not in dire need of therapy, things were not going to plan. Nova slowly looked over the motley group of ponies and owls he had assembled. Attempting to look like he had some clue of what he was doing, the unipeg tried to do a brief rundown of the events.

"Alright. So, Horus, Vesper, and Riptide still haven't come back yet. Chipmunks are still on the loose here, and we aren't quite sure of what they're quite capable of. And the lot of us are all here, trying to figure out what's going on while no one else has a clue about what we're doing."

The group nodded, looking around to see who else was in the group. Nova shook his head with a sigh.

"So, now that we all know what we're doing, and I can't think of any other trouble we might have.."

At that moment, Wraith suddenly swooped down from one of the higher caverns, a scroll in his mouth. The pegasus nodded a greeting to Nova, dropping the scroll.

"The messengers just got this-ambassadors from Dream Valley are coming today. Where's Horus and Riptide? They mentioned needing to talk to some of them."

The unipeg flicked his ears back, shaking his head again.

"Both of them and Vesper went out on a patrol yesterday. We haven't heard back from them since."

Wraith nodded slightly, galloping out of the cavern and calling back as he took to the air.

"I'll check around the rest of the caverns-maybe someone else has seen them recently."

However, the trio had not yet arrived back at Icestorm Point. Instead, they were collapsed on the branches of a large tree, panting from lack of breath. Riptide slowly lifted her head up, watching the surrounding forest warily.

"Do..you..*huff*..think..*puff*..we lost it?"

Vesper lifted her own head up, shaking her forelock out of her eyes. 

"Well..*pant*..it's..not..chasing..*puff*..us..anymore.."

A pile of leaves rustled as Horus stuck his head out with a snort.

"Not..for..*huff*..the moment, anyway.."

Taking comfort in these facts, the trio flopped back down on their respective branches, still attempting to catch their breath. The surrounding forest was calm, with only the wind gently whistling past the leaves. All was safe.

Snap.

Horus' ears shot forward in alarm at the sound, quickly lifting his head up and glancing around. 

"Did you hear that?"

The mares nodded slightly, staying silent as they joined in the hunt for whatever caused the noise. Aside from the whistle of the wind, the forest was silent. There was no movement below, and the forest seemed to have returned to its previous tranquil state. Heaving a sigh, the ponies sprawled against the tree branches again, although Horus' ears remained pricked forward.

"Probably just a chipmunk.."

Exhausted from the chase and feeling the effects of too much adrenaline, the trio slowly drifted off to sleep. In the distance, there was another snap of underbrush. Followed by even more snaps.

Back at Icestorm Point, the motley crew wander through dimly lit caverns, everyone except for the owls having to squint to see through the shadows and near-darkness. Nova sighed as he glanced around.

"Stormbringer, would it kill you to wait to do the wiring?"

The green pegasus flapped out of a cavern, hovering above Nova.

" But we're nearly finished-once we finish getting all this wiring done, we won't have to use torches and lanterns anymore! No more worrying about setting fire to the temple or the library!"

The stallion just shook his head, sighing again.

"Look, I'm very happy that you're doing your best to keep this whole place from burning down. But it's rather hard to chipmunk hunt when-"

Stormbringer blinked at the mention of chipmunks, hurriedly flapping back into the cavern.

"Hey! Keep an eye out for those rodents! We don't want 'em to chew up the wiring!"

With the groan of someone at the end of their rope, Nova led the group out of the cavern.

"Maybe we can find them in a cavern with less electrical work being done.."

Snap.

Crack.

__

Hssss..

Vesper stirred slightly in her sleep, slowly opening an eye at the low sound. An ear twitched slightly, and she attempted to focus on the blurry object.

"Hm..wha..GREAT RAINBOW!"

The unipeg skittered backwards, bumping into Riptide. The darker blue mare shook her head, raising an eyebrow at Vesper.

"What'd you do that fo-Horus? We have a problem here."

Horus jerked awake, glancing around.

"What? What's-"

The stallion jumped several feet in the air when he saw what that mares had seen. Crowded around the base of the tree were ponies-one of which who was the creature that chased them the previous night. Saliva hung from their gaunt muzzles, and all the ponies looked more dead than alive. They looked hungry, as well. Horus flared his wings slightly, nervously pacing on the branch.

"Well, at least they can't fly.."

As if on cue, one of the ponies below suddenly leapt upwards, jaws snapping dangerously close to the branch the golden unipeg was standing on. Riptide stamped a hoof.

"But they /can/ jump. Do you think they could grab us out of the air?"

With a snort, Horus shrugged, flaring his wings again.

"They might be able to-but giving flying a shot is better than waiting around to see if they have any other attack ideas."

Vesper and Riptide nodded, flaring out their own wings and leaping off the tree's branches. The skeletal ponies below leapt up and down, jaws snapping and sending saliva flying. Missing their targets, the herd hissed and squealed angrily, stamping their hooves and snapping their jaws. Flying for their lives, the unipeg trio quickly flapped towards Icestorm Point, the herd hissing a final time before slinking off into the brush.

Nova shook his head as the chipmunk-hunting group wandered off, having found nothing yet. The unipeg trotted back to the library, grabbing his reading glasses and starting to search through the scrolls. He frowned as he squinted at them, adjusting the glasses slightly. His studying was interrupted by the sound of frantic wingbeats behind him. 

"What in the Rainbow's name-"

Nova raised as eyebrow at her glanced at the now rather ragged looking unipeg trio.

"What happened to you three?"

Riptide landed first, moving her wings in a shrug and responding matter-o-factly. 

"Salivating zombie ponies. I think they wanted to eat us."

Horus and Vesper landed, nodding in agreement. Vesper tilted her head to the side.

"Are there any scrolls on that sort of thing here?"

Nova flattened his ears back, turning away with a snort and a shake of his head,

"I'll look.."

The trio nodded, and flapped out in search of a place to rest without risk of being attacked. Nova just sighed again, spreading out some scrolls and clicking on the desk lamp Stormbringer had installed. 

"Chipmunks. Supposedly predatory ponies. What's next? The furniture coming alive?"

He smirked, chuckling slightly as he continued to read through the scrolls. 

"Or maybe I'm just getting too stressed by all the bizarre things we go through.."

Adjusting his glasses, the unipeg went back to reading in silence, focusing the ancient text. And very slowly, the desk lamp opened one eye, attempting to join in the reading when Nova wasn't paying attention.


	6. Expired Warranty

OOC Note: Yep, another one of these. The Brave Little Toaster and the character of Lampy are copyright to Disney, and the usual disclaimer applies to everything else. And Lord Fluffypants fans rejoice; he's back. ;) So, onto the fic itself and remember-feedback, good or bad, is extremely appreciated.

Zzz..

*Snort.*

Clunk.

"Mrph.."

Clunkityclunk.

Flip. 

Flipflipflip.

Zzzz..

FlipflipWHUNK.

Nova jerked his head up at the sudden loud noise, shaking his head as his eyes focused. He stared for a several moments at the sight in front of him.

The desk lamp appeared to have eyes and a mouth. And it was reading the scrolls. Light shone from the lamp's bulb as it hopped around the desk to read the documents, making a clunkity-clunk noise wherever it went. The lamp looked up from its reading, clicking off the light as soon as it noticed Nova.

"Uh oh."

Nova did what any sane, only semi-awake pony would do. He panicked. 

"TALKING LAMP!"

The talking lamp hopped off the desk, clunkity-clunking through the rest of the library. Stormbringer chose that exact moment to fly into the cavern, giving a greeting flap of her wings. 

"Hey, Nova! Have you seen that lamp I gave you? I think I might need to cannibalize it for spare parts.."

Nova quickly glanced around the library before looking back to the pegasus.

"..No. Maybe Spitfire has it?"

The pegasus nodded, then darted out of the cavern, calling back to the unipeg.

"I'll go check! Thanks!"

Ears flicking back, Nova looked around the library once more, spotting a golden object attempting to hide behind a stack of scrolls. Slowly, the unipeg walked up to the shelf, to be greeted by the sight of the lamp..sniffling. He stared for several moments before the lamp finally noticed him. 

"SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!"

Nova stared again, trying to figure out how to calm down the distressed appliance. The lamp quickly swiveled its-his, Nova noted, as the lamp sounded male-head around, apparently on a hunt for the pegasus.

"She's not coming back, is she?"

Joining in the hunt, Nova looked around, having finally getting over the fact that he was having a conversation with a desk lamp.

"It depends on how fast she can track down Spits. So, uh..lamp, do you have a name?"

The lamp nodded, hopping out from behind the stack of scrolls.

"I'm Lampy!"

Meanwhile in the forests surrounding Icestorm Point, an appliance of a different type was being worked on. Cloak swirling around his feet, the warlord paced back and forth, his mere gaze sending his minions immediately back to work. He could feel the change in the winds-change turning towards his favor. The warlord knew he could win-he craved victory. On second thought, he also had the oddest craving for an acorn or two. Shrugging the feeling off, Lord Fluffypants clacked his mandible as he watched the chipmunks work.

"Faster! Soon, we will have the advantage! No fortress in the world could withstand /THIS/ metallic monstrosity! With the help of this, we shall truly have FIREY CHIPMUNK DEATH!"

Pausing in their work, the chipmunks turned around for a moment, staring at the chipmunk warlord in confusion. The only thing they really wanted to have was some nuts and tree to sleep in. There was silence for several moments before Lord Fluffypants snapped yet again.

"Get back to WORK!"

With frantic squeaks, the chipmunks returned to work and Lord Fluffypants watched with his constant skeletal grin. He was certain that since the ponies lacked television of any kind-much less anything that played old Japanese movies-and therefore would be totally unprepared. Oh, yes. The ponies would pay.

"Hm..hey! I know! We could make a catapult and then we could-"

"I don't think would work."

"Oh..what if you tied some rope around me, and lowered me-"

"I don't think that would work, either."

Lampy nodded, tapping his plug against his chin as he continued to think.

"I know! What if we-"

Nova raised an eyebrow, tilting one ear back slightly.

"How about you just hop on and I'll fly you down to the lower caverns?"

The lamp nodded again cheerfully, hopping onto Nova and looping his cord around the unipeg's neck to hold on. Spreading his wings, Nova snorted.

"It would help if I wasn't-*gack*-being choked."

Lampy looked apologetic, then cheerful again.

"Sorry. This should be fun! I've never flown on horseback before!"

Not bothering to correct Lampy, Nova just rolled his eyes and took a running leap into the air. The lamp clearly enjoyed the flight; at least when it first started.

"YAHOO!"

After being in the air for a several moments-and happening to look down-his tone changed.

"I'm gonna die.."

Lord Fluffypants proudly puffed his chest out as he stared at the finished creation. 

"Yes…it's PERFECT! MINIONS! Get ready! It is now time.."

With much squeaking and skittering, several hundred chipmunks climbed into the mechanical beast, flipping switches and making the machine's joints slowly start to creak as it moved for the first time. The chipmunk warlord's chest puffed out even further as he saw his creation rise up, blocking out the moon. There was soft whirring noise inside the creation, which slowly grew in volume as the machine came online.

Mechaponyzilla's red optics gleamed in the darkness.

Nova raised an eyebrow again as he glanced at the lamp still clinging onto him.

"You alright?"

Lampy unsteadily hopped off, shaking his head.

"Why do you fly like that? What were you thinking? You could've broken my bulb!"

The unipeg sighed, gesturing towards a cavern.

"You'll be fine. Follow me; I think most of my friends are in here. They usually are around this time."

Clunkity-clunking after Nova, Lampy nodded and followed behind the unipeg, occasionally stopping to watch for Stormbringer. Nova trotted into the cavern, where Riptide, Horus, Vesper, and Spitfire were gathered. Stormbringer was fortunately nowhere to be found. Spitfire gave a greeting flap of her wings.

"Hi, Nova! If you're looking for Wraith, he's still in a meeting with those other ambassadors..and Stormbringer was looking for some lamp."

The unipeg nodded back, taking on the most deadpan expression possible-not a hard feat for him. He looked out of the corner of his eye for a moment to make sure Lampy hadn't hopped off before looking back to the group. 

"On the note of a lamp and everything /else/ bizarre that's been happening lately, I just decided to warn you that one of the lamps apparently isn't an inanimate object anymore, for reasons I don't know. I'd suggest asking Stormbringer about it."

Nova gestured with his horn to the desk lamp hiding behind his foreleg. Lampy quickly swung his head around, waving his plug in a nervous hello gesture.

"Uh..I'm Lampy. That green pony isn't around, is she?"

There was a short pause as everyone had their own reactions to appearance of talking, animate lamp. Spitfire flapped her wings in a greeting once more and grabbed her sketch pad, apparently delighted to have a new interesting subject to draw. Vesper raised an eyebrow, but gave a greeting flap of her own. Horus politely nodded, then went back to reading, mumbling something about possessed artifacts. Riptide made another nod, then shook her head in response to the question.

"Stormy's still out looking for a lamp to use as spare parts. But I don't think she'd want to use a sentient la-"

BOOM.

The entire cavern shook, sprinkling ice and rock debris onto the ponies and desk lamp.

BOOM.

There was another shake; more violent than the first and the sound of the impact was far louder. 

BOOM.

Horus looked around, frowning at the third impact.

"I would suggest that we move to somewhere less likely to cave in.."

The group nodded, galloping, flying, or clunkity-clunking out of the cavern. The impacts continued to increase in both volume and frequency, and the group was greeted with a familiar sight-the residents of Icestorm Point either try to take cover from or dart in and out between the falling chunks of ice and stone. Stormbringer suddenly flew in, out of breath-but appearing quite cheerful.

"You guys gotta see this! It's amazing! It's gorgeous! It's-hey, there's that lamp I was looking for.."

Lampy whimpered and ducked behind Spitfire. Nova sighed, shaking his head.

"I think we should be focusing on what's causing the caverns to collapse again.."

The pegasus nodded, hurriedly flapping outside.

"Follow me!"

With more galloping and clunkity-clunking, the group did so. And were treated to an awesome sight. Mechaponyzilla towered high above the forests, making huge sprays of snow with each step. The robot creaked as its head swung around to face the small group. It's crudely designed-and tooth filled-jaws snapped together as it lumbered towards them. Survival instincts kicking in, the group scattered. Riptide looked to Horus as they took to the air.

"So, did you ever deal with anything like /this/ back home?"

Horus shook his head with a sigh.

"No, although I am still deciding whether or not that was unfortunate."

Stormbringer hovered above the robot for several moments before going higher into the sky and calling to the rest of the group.

"I don't think we have much to worry about-this thing's really badly made! Everything's barely connected, the hinges are weak, and for Rainbow's sake, who uses an /outlet/ on a robot? One more thing gets plugged in, and it's going to be disastrous.." 

Spitfire followed Stormbringer into the air, hovering beside her.

"But I think that thing might destroy all the caverns before we can get something electric.."

Her voice faded off as all the ponies looked down at the final member of the group, who had apparently gotten himself stuck in the snow, and was too busy concentrating on not getting crushed that he hadn't heard anything the ponies were saying. But Lampy seemed to have the same idea. 

BOOM.

One of Mechaponyzilla's huge feet slammed down dangerously close to the desk lamp. Fortunately, it happened to be the leg with the outlet on it. Lampy managed to free his cord, wincing in advance as he plugged himself in.

BZZZZZZZZT!

Stormbringer was correct in her comment that if one more electricity using object was plugged in, the results would be bad. The overload coursed through Mechaponyzilla, causing an extremely impressive show of electricity, causing it to finally break down, toppling over with an even more impressive shower of snow. With a flurry of feathers, the ponies swooped down as the robot collapsed, easily finding Lampy, still plugged into Mechaponyzilla. 

Several hours later..

COUGHcoughcoughHACK

Wheeze..

Lampy coughed up another shower of sparks, then flopped back down. The lamp was scorched in several places, and his lightbulb had exploded during the surge. But other than that, he was alive as a sentient appliance could be. Riptide sighed as she headed for the cavern exit.

"For Rainbow's sake, just rest. You nearly killed yourself making that thing overload, and Stormbringer has all the spare parts she could possibly want from it."

With that, the unipeg trotted out and Lampy grinned to himself. There was something rewarding about cheating death twice in one day.

Elsewhere, not everyone was celebrating. Lord Fluffypants grumbled to himself as sat in a hollowed out tree knot, kicking at an acorn in frustration.

"Next time I'll show them! Next time! Then there shall truly be FIREY CHIPMUNK DEATH!"

His voice echoed through the forest and across the tundra, faintly ringing as Stormbringer continued to salvage the destroyed robot. The pegasus paused for a moment as she thought she heard something, but with a shrug, returned to her work. 


	7. The Zombie Chipmunks Cometh

"Horus?"

Zz..

"Horus?"

Zzzz..

"Hey, tattoo fa-"

"Ssh! Don't wake him up! I'm nearly finished painting!"

"Mm. What's the title?"

"I'm thinking about calling it 'Research Kills'."

"Ah."

Horus shook his head as he woke up, raising an eyebrow at Riptide and Spitfire.

"/What/ kills?"

Riptide tapped the parchment Horus had been using for a pillow with her hoof.

"Research. It looked like you had just flopped over and died."

The stallion glared at Riptide, his ears twitching back.

"I assure you that when I die, I will be dying in a far more dignified fashion than just keeling over a parchment!"

Her own ears flicking forward, Riptide just chuckled and nodded.

"I hope so. I just flew up here to tell you that I found some more records in the temple. They might have some information that we missed."

Horus nodded and followed after Riptide as she flew out of the cavern, while Spitfire attempted to put the finishing touches on her painting. All was peaceful-Stormbringer hadn't blown anything up yet, Nova was calm for once, and there had been very few chipmunks wandering around. However, on another chipmunk related note..

Lord Fluffypants searched through the stack of books, glaring at the pile. Where was i-ah ha! The chipmunk warlord gleefully clacked his mandible as held the book aloft. It was great! It was wonderful! It would be his key to FIREY CHIPMUNK DEA-

WHUNK.

Lord Fluffypants failed to remember that chipmunks have very small arms that are ill suited to holding large books in the air. 

"Oh, the pain.."

Managing to get out from under the book, Lord Fluffypants flipped the book open, peering at the chapter title.

"Necromancy for Dummies, Chapter 1: So you want to raise an army of the undead."

Still reading aloud from the book, the warlord followed the instructions, shouting gibberish at the pile of various bones he had collected. Finishing reading the string of nearly unpronounceable words, he squinted at the page again.

"DAMN IT! That was the wrong spell!"

He paused for a moment.

"I wonder what that one did."

Meanwhile..

"Squeakity squeak squeek. Squeekums squeak squeak." _Fire or an acorn through the brain. That's the only way to kill them. _

"Squeak! Squeak chitter squeek!" _Oh no! They're coming!_

"Squeak..squeak.." _Brains..brains.._

"SQUEAK!" _Oh no!_

"CHITTER!" _Help!_

"SQUEEEK!" _AIEEEE!_

Chipmunks fighting zombie chipmunks is truly an awful thing.

Deciding not to ponder it anymore, Lord Fluffypants went back to attempting to raise the dead. This went on for several hours, with the warlord becoming more and more infuriated with each passing moment. Soon, he was nearing the end of his rope, ranting and raving at the still not animated jumble of bones. It was, of course, at this moment that a horde of chipmunks scurried in, followed by a number of zombie chipmunks. Lord Fluffypants stared for beat.

"That'll work."

Plink.

Lampy looked up as a small chunk of the infirmary ceiling fell onto the table, flicking his light on for a moment in an attempt to get a better look.

"What was that?"

Wraith put down his cards, snorting as another small chunk hit him on the muzzle. The pegasus adjusted the ice pack over his head, frowning.

"/That/ is a sign that Stormy's working on something above us, and so you should be prepared to hear an explosion, have the ceiling collapse, or something along the lines of that."

With a shudder, Lampy looked back to his cards.

"She's crazy. Got any..uh..what's this card called?"

Raising an eyebrow, Wraith sorted through his own cards again.

"She's also my sister. And you can't use the rules card in 'go fish'. Or any other card game, for that matter."

The game continued for several minutes, abruptly ending as Spitfire, spattered liberally in a red substance as well as several other colors, flew into the cavern. Lampy took cover under his pillow, and Wraith blinked at the mare.

"Did we miss a mass murder?"

Spitfire dropped the paint can she was holding so she could talk, sending blue paint flying. She shook her head as she remained in the air.

"Nope! Vesper and I are just moving everything out of my cavern. It's right above Stormbringer's cavern, and all the shaking and explosions aren't good for my paint buckets or canvases."

Vesper flew into the cavern for a moment, also splattered in paint. She made a 'yecch' sound as she spat out of the paint bucket, ears flicking back.

"Great Rainbow, Spits-what's in this paint?"

The unipeg tilted her head to the side as she thought.

"You know, I've never really looked."

"I accidentally got some in my mouth. Tastes awful."

Wraith glanced at the paint buckets for a moment, adjusting his ice pack again to get a better look.

"Maybe you could use it as chipmunk repellent."

Spitfire nodded at the idea. 

"That might work! Let's find some!"

She grabbed one of the paint buckets and swiftly flew out of the cavern, while Vesper just shrugged and followed after the other unipeg. Another chunk of ceiling dropped down, hitting the pillow Lampy was underneath and causing the lamp to make a muffled yelp.

"You okay?"

"I still think she's crazy."

With a sigh, Wraith looked up and got hit again with yet another ceiling chunk.

"It's going to be a long day.."

Lord Fluffypants was, for once, in a cheerful mood. He had figured out various bits and pieces of necromancy. He had assembled an army of undead chipmunks, as well as a few unlucky squirrels. And for the most part, he had kept them from attempting to gnaw off his limbs.

"No! NO! BAD CORPSE!"

The chipmunk zombie continued to cling stubbornly to Lord Fluffypants' cloak, doggedly hanging on until the warlord hit it with his 'Necromancy for Dummies' book. Puffing his chest out and attempting to look as villainous as possible for a skull headed chipmunk, Lord Fluffypants strode in front of the army.

"MINIONS! Tonight, we shall do something attempted many times before, but never succeeded in! But this time, we shall win! We shall conquer! We shall rain FIREY CHIPMUNK DEATH onto those accursed tiny horses!"

The army stared blankly at Lord Fluffypants for several moments. He tried another tactic. Still holding onto his book, the warlord waved his puny arms in the air.

"Brains! Brains! BRAIIIII-"

WHUMP.

Once again, the heaviness of Lord Fluffypants' precious book betrayed him. But although he had nearly crushed himself with the book, the basic gist of his message had gotten across. Zombie chipmunks started to wander around, moaning about brains.

"What happened?"

Horus glanced to Nova, taking to the air to avoid the horde of chipmunks running rampant across the floors.

"It appears that there has been an attempt to combat our local population of rodents with the vile concoction that Spitfire calls paint."

"Between this and Stormbringer's 'inventing'..any bets on what else could go wrong?"

It was at this moment that the zombie chipmunk horde decided to strike. 

There were several stories about what happened that night, with only a few things totally agreed upon.

Wraith and Lampy missed the entire incident, as the pegasus had thought the commotion was only due to Stormbringer's inventions. Spitfire had discovered that the paint was toxic to the zombie chipmunks, and Ra, Horus' falcon, had somehow mistaken Nova for a very large white chipmunk. The resulting fight between the two managed to take out more chipmunks than any lone pony or owl did. 

After the long and (in the tradition of all zombie films) gory battle and cleanup, Nova trotted into the infirmary to visit Wraith and Lampy. Lampy glanced up for a moment, then back to the unipeg.

"Did she stop working up there? The ceiling hasn't been caving in for awhile.."

Nova decided to not even go into the details, and sat down beside the beds, peering at the cards.

"…Yeah. What are you playing? Poker? Blackjack?"

"Go Fish."

"Ah. Mind if I play?"

"Nah. Best three."

Wraith passed Nova the cards, pausing for a moment to sniff the air.

"What's that smell?"

"Paint. Lots and lots of paint. Spitfire had a big spill."

"Ah."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Lord Fluffypants struggled underneath the book. He was having considerably more difficulty than before.

"Stupid book..move! Move! MINIONS! MINIONS! Minions? Help?"

A skeletal figure darted through the brush, then stuck its head out a bush. It squealed at Lord Fluffypants, then hissed at another equine-looking creature beside. Saliva hung from both of their muzzles, and they eyed the warlord hungrily.

"I really hate horses.."


	8. The Horror, the Horror

Author's Note: Finally, a new part! This was done for the writing prompt at http://www.atlanticrealm.com/rubiegal2001/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=140. Onto the fic!:  
  
It was a dark and stormy night.  
  
Well, it wasn't so much stormy and just out and out freezing. The year- round snow that surrounded Icestorm Point whipped through the chilly air, enveloping the trio surrounding an iron cauldron bubbling atop a large pile of firewood. All were outfitted in tattered, pointed hats and capes that had seen better days. The shadows from the fire and their hat brims obscured their faces. Brushing her forelock out of her eyes with a hoof, the first figure spoke.  
  
"Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.."  
  
The second stared into the fire, her eyes momentarily reflecting the fire's light and going from pale blue to a bright orange.  
  
"Fire burn and cauldron bubble.."  
  
The third witch sounded distinctly unhappy, not to mention masculine.  
  
"Eye of newt-Riptide, may I inquire why, exactly, I am helping the two of you with this ritual? I am aware of my duties as high priest, but as far as I know my job description mentioned nothing of dressing in drag. And forgive me if I do not understand the symbolic meanings of the mutilated fruits.."  
  
Riptide, a dark blue unipeg, pushed the hat's brim out of her eyes and sighed.  
  
"Horus, don't tell me this is the first time you've ever been to a Halloween party. Don't you guys celebrate back in the desert? You know, ghosts and witches and demons?"  
  
The gold unipeg tilted his head to the side, brushing off the witch hat with a forehoof.  
  
"Well, there was that one incident where my brother accidently activated a curse that allowed the palace mummies to rise from the dead..and when I summoned that intoxiciated genie."  
  
With a groan, the mare simply shook her head. Spitfire grinned at the the pair, taking to the air with a hum of wings that sounded like it came from an overgrown hummingbird.  
  
"Hey, Horus-maybe there's some other costumes back in the caverns. I'll go look!"  
  
The unipeg took off in a blur of white and orange, buzzing over the assorted crowd of ponies in the woods, all of which were dressed in various costumes. A unipeg clad in a Batman costume sat next to a blue pegasus in a Superman outfit, ears laid flat.  
  
"I swear, Wraith..one thing..just [i]one[/i] more bizarre thing happens, and I'm going to snap."  
  
"Again, you mean?"  
  
Nova gave Wraith a baleful look.  
  
"I'm not kidding. I can't take this anymore. Chipmunks..zombies..flesh- eating ponies..Horus' damn falcon..just one. More. Thing."  
  
Wraith flapped his wings in a shrug.  
  
"It hasn't been so bad lately. Quiet, even. I can't even remember the last time something landed on my he-"  
  
WHAM!  
  
"Ain't I a stinker?"  
  
Vesper hovered above the now-brained Wraith with a grin on her muzzle for a moment before flitting back into a plot hole. Nova narrowed his eyes as he looked up at the spot where the author avatar had been.  
  
"That, or I'm going to mail her third class to Dream Valley. That would solve a lot of problems.."  
  
Meanwhile..  
  
Lord Fluffypants eyed the ponies below with a disdainful glare, idly snapping his mandible. How he despised tiny horses. But this, time, he had a plan! He was sure this would work, unlike his five minute seige, or the chipmunk hordes, or the gigantic mechapony, or the [i]undead [/i] chipmunks..it was perfect. He looked towards Icestorm Point, its shape drak against the moon, and rubbed his tiny paws together.  
  
Sure, it wasn't firey, and had very little to do with chipmunks. But death's death.  
  
Elsewhere..  
  
"It lives! IT LIVESSS-wait. Let me try and poke this-*ZZZIT* Okay, or maybe th-*BLAM*.....or maybe..*ZOT*. Eh. IGOR!"  
  
An animate desk lamp, with a small burlap sack and a rock duct taped to it, hopped onto the table.  
  
"I think you pronounced it wrong."  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"You said 'EYE-gor'. I think it's 'EE-gor'."  
  
"No, it's 'EYE-gor."  
  
"Nuhuh."  
  
Stormbringer looked up from her work, taking off the eye-protection goggles and glancing down at Lampy with a tilt of her head.  
  
"You want to check? C'mon, I managed to hook a VCR up. We can check the movies. Assuming we managed to avoid Nova. He's gonna kill me when he sees what I did to the library to hook it up.."  
  
While the pegasus and lamp left the cavern, Lord Fluffypants climbed atop the table, panting. He was going to find some mode of transportation besides his own stumpy legs, come hell or high water. Gathering up bits and pieces of machinery littering the table, he grinned in the only the way the skull-headed can when he set his optics on a pair of rusted, pointy iron teeth.  
  
"FIREY CHIMPMUNK..uh, I mean, POINTY IRON DEATH!"  
  
Two hours later..  
  
Spitfire hovered over her fellow unipeg with a curious expression, the witch hat drooping over her eyes.  
  
"Um, Nova?"  
  
"What."  
  
It wasn't a question; it was a statement.  
  
"Why's your head stuck to that tree?"  
  
"I was beating my head against it to try and keep from hurting somebody."  
  
"How about some candy corn? Candy corn cheers everybody up!"  
  
Before Nova could respond, the brush began to rattle loudly and crash to the ground by the large, rust covered creature haphazardly heading for the party. The ponies stared in silence for a moment, then quickly scattered out of the path of Lord Fluffypant's latest ill-fated plan. The party regrouped, the chatter starting again while the chipmunk warlord continued to ride along in the shoddly-made 'monster', screaming "BOOGA-BOOGA!" as loudly as his scratchy vocal chords would allow.  
  
Of course, the iron figure was headed directly for the tree Nova's horn was still lodged in. One eye twitched ever-so slightly as he saw the construct come barreling towards him. With one hard backwards flap of his wings and a warcry that would've made an orge stop in its track, Nova freed himself from tree and flew at the figure with a luck of pure homicidal rage.  
  
Riptide and Horus, the latter now outfitted in a wizard costume, watched as the fellow unipeg flew past. Horus sipped his drink.  
  
"It appears that our foul-tempered librarian friend has finally gone psychotic once more.."  
  
"Therapy. That's all I'm saying."  
  
Vesper poked her head in through a plot hole.  
  
"He should've dressed like the Hulk."  
  
The fight was surprisingly quick-with the shoddy construction of the iron figure and Nova's legendary bad temper backing him up, the unipeg managed to dismantle Lord Fluffypant's creation in a matter of seconds. Lord Fluffypants himself went sailing through the air. Various partygoers glanced up, pointing hooves at the sky.  
  
"It's a bird!"  
  
"It's a plane!"  
  
"It's-"  
  
"Superman!" An attractive unicorn mare smiled at the once more concious blue pegasus. "Enjoying the party, Wraith?"  
  
"Yeah, until I got hit on the he-"  
  
THUNK!  
  
Lord Fluffypants ricocheted off of Wraith's head, causing him to drop once more. The chipmunk warlord continued to sail through the air, howling various curses as Riptide once more attempted to explain the purpose of carving pumpkins to a still rather confused Horus.  
  
"Might you care to explain to me who, exactly, thought it was a good idea to mangle and set fire to a perfectly good piece of fruit?"  
  
Riptide side, shaking her head once more.  
  
"It's going to be a long night.." 


	9. A Real Nightmare Before Christmas

Nova's ears flattened as he sorted the stacks of scrolls. There was no way in hell that he was leaving the library cavern; not now. It was /that/ time of year, the time when things seemed to reach the climax of being bizarre. Each year was worse than the last. This time, they were singing. For a moment, the unipeg considered the possibility of forcing himself into unconsciousness. It'd keep him from joining in the singing, at least. The sound of frantically buzzing wings caught his attention, and he glanced up with an exasperated look.  
  
"Do I even want to know?"  
  
Hovering over the desk, Spitfire nodded with a grin, her wings still sounding like a hummingbird's on speed.  
  
"Horus and half of the acolytes went into a production number in the cavern next to Noir's. Well, they were in a production number, but then something in Stormy's cavern exploded, and that caused part of the temple complex cavern to cave in, and that made some of the other living caverns cave in, too, so.."  
  
Nova slammed his head his against the desk in a desperate attempt to knock himself out as Spitfire continued through the list of the various mini- disasters that had occurred so far. However, all he wound up with was a pounding headache and his horn stuck in the woodwork. Meanwhile, Spitfire was busy finishing up the list.  
  
"..So then Horus and Firecracker got into a fight, and Blizzard's going to finally send Wraith and the other ambassadors to Dream Valley because the storms finally cleared up. And according to that unicorn from Khemket, there's a bounty on Vesper's head for murdering the English language, but then Riptide got into an argument with him, because you can't murder words.."  
  
The library cavern suddenly shudder and several pieces of the ceiling came loose, taking out a few shelves of scrolls with them. Spitfire swung to the left, barely avoiding a falling chunk of ice.  
  
"And Stormy just blew something else up, apparently."  
  
Nova groaned softly to himself, horn still firmly embedded into the desk. More wingbeats caught his attention as Stormbringer flew into the cavern with a harried expression as well as a scorched hide. Her ears twitched back as she glanced around, gnawing for a moment on her lower lip as parts of her still smoldered.  
  
"I'd suggest you guys go into hiding soon. I'm going to hide in my cavern behind the scrap pile, if anyone needs me."  
  
Nova and Spitfire regarded the pegasus with looks of slight curiosity. Spitfire landed on the desk and began to try and help Nova get his horn unstuck.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because-" Stormbringer started, but was cut off by a piercing, high pitched squeal that either came from a cat being tortured or someone who was extremely excited. The trio winced simultaneously at the ear-splitting sound. "-because the princess ponies just arrived. Well, four of them, at least. I've heard that the other two are busy torturing Queen Nekhbet today."  
  
Nova shook his head as his horn was freed, rising up into the air to join the other unipegs in flight. His ears were flat and his tone was humorless. "Great Rainbow. If we were lucky, one of them might've gotten eaten by those demon ponies or attacked by those hordes of chipmunks, but no.."  
  
Spitfire winced visibly, then glanced around. "Maybe we can hide in an empty cavern. And it could be worse..we could be in the king's position."  
  
Elsewhere, Blizzard, monarch of Icestorm Point and an older-than-dirt pegasus, was wondering if it was a good thing that he had gone through his reign with only unsuccessful attempts at stabbing him, poisoning him, and in one instance setting a rabid seapony after him, among other assassination attempts. If he had died before the six princesses came to power, he wouldn't have to deal with this problem. Bowing his head, he sighed.  
  
"Wraith, might you have any suggestions on how to fake my own death?"  
  
Wraith blinked at the question. "Sir?" He cleared his throat, eyeing the elder pony carefully. "They can't be that bad, can they? I mean, faking your death is a little..drastic."  
  
The white pegasus eyed him back with a blank expression. "I've lived through family feuds and the whole star-crossed suicide lovers business, raids, having to move the entire damned population here, numerous attempts on life, and those flesh-eating ponies that got everyone panicking. And yet those six are the most horrible things I've ever had to deal with." He sighed again, ears pricking up slightly as he caught sight of something across the room. "Looks like I'll have to do what I tried with a couple of warlords.."  
  
"What would that be, sir?"  
  
"I'm going to get drunk and hope that I make them so angry that they challenge me to monarch's duel so they can replace me with someone else. It's to the death, you know."  
  
The blue pegasus, meanwhile, was going bug-eyed. "You want to get in a duel to the death, sir?" Looking up at the ceiling, he frantically prayed that something would come loose and take him out of the conversation. For once, nothing plummeted towards his head. "Are you sure that's wise?"  
  
Blizzard gave Wraith a vaguely cheerful look as trotted over to the bottle. "Never lost one before." With that, he took to the air, bottle in his teeth as he flew off.  
  
In another part of Icestorm Point, Horus was going through his own personal hell, and wondering how severe the repercussions for regicide were. He wasn't quite sure how he had gotten stuck with the job of greeting the quartet of princesses, but it appeared that he was stuck with them until they ran into the king. He sighed as Princess Royal Blue stared intently at the tattoos under his eyes.  
  
"Didn't that, y'know, hurt? I mean, really, drawing on yourself around your eyes with a pointy thingy. What if you put an eye out? Ick."  
  
"Madam, the facial markings are a symbol of being part of the religious facilities and of honor in my native land, and I have never heard of an acolyte having an eye lost in the process."  
  
The unipeg was simply given a blank look for his troubles. With a splash, the calm surface of the water in one of the non-frozen over plant vases broke. Riptide paused for a moment to gulp in some air, only her muzzle sticking out of the water.  
  
"He says that the tattoos are traditional and that nobody ever put an eye out."  
  
With another gulp of air and a splash, Riptide's muzzle vanished back into the water. The princesses stared at each other in an uncomfortable moment of silence. Scuffling and clunking sounds shortly broke it, as Lampy and one of the princess' bushwoolies rolled past, not noticing the five as they fought. The uncomfortable silence returned, but Horus noted that their eyes had bugged for the moment and they were now glancing around with some trepidation. He smiled inwardly to himself. Perhaps if they were lucky, the princesses would flee in terror. The sound of unsteadily beating wings, however, broke his train of thought for the moment.  
  
"Greetingsh, Princess Serena, Princess Schparkle, Princess Starburst, and Princess..eh..blueish. Purplish. Indigo. Royal color, anyway.."  
  
Blizzard landed with a small explosion of feathers and regained his composure for a moment, managing to look noble rather than drunk. Behind him, Wraith was silently praying once more that something would take him out of the entire situation. "I welcome you to Ischestorm Point." One ear flopped lazily for a moment and then was twitched upright once more. He turned and started to walk through the main caverns, his hoofbeats as unsteady as his wingbeats were. "Right thsich way, if you please."  
  
Still giving each other looks of vague misgivings, the four princesses followed after Blizzard. Horus glanced over towards the vase as Riptide resurfaced, snorting and shaking out her mane. Her attention went to the princesses for a moment, and the unipeg raised an eyebrow.  
  
"We've got to get Stormy to build you one of those translator boxes one of these days."  
  
"Hrmph. I see nothing heinous in my choice of vocabulary.."  
  
Lord Fluffypants perched atop the rusted pile of scrap metal and rotten wood that could only be called a sleigh by a very long stretch of the imagination. Quickly, he pulled a moldy red cap with a dirty-grey pompom dangling from the end over his usual cowl as he prepared. No point in going through the current idea from tiny-horse destruction if you couldn't really get into the role, after all. He ducked occasionally as pieces of splattered chipmunk flew past his head and grinned in the typical skeletal way as he watched the creatures hooked up to the sleigh.  
  
Eight gaunt, long-limbed ponies were hitched to the sleigh by rotting leather harnesses, saliva dripping from their jaws as they screeched and occasionally attacked one of the chipmunks making last minute preparations. The predatory equines snorted as they strained at the harnesses, testing them in hopes of getting free and causing more carnage. Lord Fluffypants hurriedly flipped through the stack of picture books beside him as he attempted to make sure that everything was perfect.  
  
"With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.."  
  
Nova paused for a moment to sigh. He couldn't believe it. Caught. Caught right at the moment he had found possibly the best place to hide inside the entire complex, and dragged off into 'volunteering' to read to toddlers. It could be worse, he supposed-he could be having to deal with the princesses. Although they wouldn't be using his tail as a chewtoy and drooling into it. Giving the foal an irritated look, he continued.  
  
"More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.."  
  
"Now DASHER, now DANCER, now PRANCER and VIXEN! On COMET, on CUPID, on DONDER and BLITZEN!" Lord Fluffypants shouted out, flipping madly through one book to make sure everything was proper. "From the top of the porch-" He suddenly cut himself off as he spied another book with a reindeer gracing the cover. "MINONS! HALT!" Heaving the book up, he glared fixedly at it for a moment, then glanced up again. "Bring me a tiny horse with a GLOWY NOSE!" The chipmunks wandered over to a pen where several more of the demonic equines were being held, peering intently for several moments. Finally, one ran over to Lord Fluffypants.  
  
"Squeak."  
  
"What do you mean NONE of them have a glowing nose? It's SUPPOSED to have a glowy nose! It glows, fire glows, how the hell are you supposed to have FIREY CHIPMUNK-TINY-HORSE DEATH without it glowing?!"  
  
"Squeaksqueak squeakity."  
  
".It'll work."  
  
The chipmunk scrambled back over to the rest of its group, squeaking madly as they brought a pony out of the pen. This one was built differently; with a stocky, compact build and large muzzle, it looked like an earth pony. However, its charcoal colored flanks lacked a symbol and the glowing, neon- bright green eyes destroyed the illusion. Giving the chipmunks a look of indignant, mild annoyance rather than fury as she was hitched up to the sleigh, the dark pony shook her head and sighed. Lord Fluffypants started to cackle in the villainous tradition. Everything was now finally ready.  
  
"To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, now dash away, dash away, dash away all. Look, haven't you heard this a million times before?"  
  
The foal merely gave Nova a cheerful smile and shook his head, chirping, "More!"  
  
"An' thisch, as you've scheen before, isch the main cavern.."  
  
The princesses had begun to mutter to themselves and Wraith was dying a thousand deaths as Blizzard managed to slur his way through the sentence. For the third time in the relatively short time period, he wished for something-anything-to keep the situation from reaching a very bad conclusion. He cleared his throat, attempting to grab the princesses' collective attention and give them a charming smile.  
  
"Ahem. Perhaps your majesties are hungry? We have quite a fine dining cavern that you might enjoy browsing through."  
  
Before the princesses could respond, a shudder went through the doors of the main cavern. Blizzard perked up his ears, giving the door a bleary eyed, yet happy, look. "More vischtors! Perschaps we schould invite them in for a drin' er two.." He glanced to Wraith for a moment. "Where'sch the alc'hol?"  
  
Two more shudders went through the doors once more before they finally broke open, allowing his sleigh to slide in. However, he wasn't expecting the ponies' snow-slicked hooves and the smooth stone floors to react quite so violently. The harness straps snapped as the ponies charged forward, sending the predatory equines careening wildly across the floor. Ponies began to flood out of the cavern, ears laid flat as the sound of buzzing wings and crackling magical energy started to flood the main cavern. They had put up with having the princesses' visit, and it appeared that they weren't going to put up with anymore trouble for the night. The gaunt ponies that hadn't accidentally splattered themselves against the walls soon found themselves being mobbed. Lord Fluffypants found himself being catapulted through the air for several moments until he landed abruptly in a small hole in the rock walls. He peered down at the carnage below him. Sure, there wasn't fire, and the wrong type of ponies were getting maimed, but it was fairly close. He leaned back to watch the show.  
  
Meanwhile, the dark lead pony found herself suddenly sliding rapidly towards a wall. She braced herself for the impact..  
  
..and slid on through the wall, and into the temple complex where Horus was busy missing all the excitement and repairing statues. He squinted at the bits of statue for a moment, trying to make sure that all the pieces had been found before he started to reattach them permanently. The black pony, still appearing more as insubstantial shadow than flesh, slid through the pile of rubble and past Horus. He blinked, turning to watch the pony continue to slide down the corridors.  
  
"Why must I always be the sole witness to these various acts of supernatural forces?"  
  
In the main cavern, things were calming down as the ponies started to clean up the splatter marks. The princesses were staring bug-eyed at each other, staying in a safe-looking corner. Blizzard eyed the carnage quietly for a moment, then turned to Wraith.  
  
"I t'ink I need a vacation. I wanna go on schabbatical an' gid drunk. Ish that 'llowed?"  
  
"Possibly, sir. You're already halfway there."  
  
"That'sch nishe."  
  
The elderly pegasus suddenly collapsed and started to snore loudly. Wraith shook his head for a moment, then put on a diplomatic smile as he flew over to the princesses.  
  
"Uh..so. Shall I give you four the tour of the rest of the stronghold?"  
  
Elsewhere, Nova was still suffering through storytime as he wrapped it up, giving the foal a look that could kill.  
  
"..Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. There, we're done now. Finished. Now more story, see? All gone. And for the love of the rainbow, stop chewing on my tail! See? Adults like foals much better when they're not causing wanton yeeeEEOOW! I'm going to have your hide for th-get back here-put tha-Riptide! A little help? RIP!" 


	10. Rest in Peace

Author's note: Here's my second attempt at a songfic, using the Ramones' 'Pet Sematary'. This fic, unlike the previous ones, is supposed to be more of a plot-moving-along piece, rather than humor. Fluff should play a bigger part in the next fic, so never fear, chipmunk fans. ;) Onto the fic!:

"For the gods' sakes! Does no one around this citadel listen?"

Riptide looked up from attempting to meditate at the still, spring-heated pool in the temple complex. "Not when they've heard you ranting about it for the past few months." 

Horus snorted, shaking his head as he paced back and forth. "But it fits. It fits exactly what's been recorded about them in the past. 'For he would arise a walking disease, a plague upon ponykind, an unholy flesh eater-'"

"'-With the strength of ages, power over the sands, and the glory of invincibility.' You've said it before. But in case you haven't been outside recently, we have snow here. And besides, that's the exact same thing you said about Lampy."

"I still believe that that creature is somehow connected to the evil that dwells within the-"

"Give the poor damn lamp a break."

"Hrmph. Regardless of what part the lamp-beast may play in such things, I'm certain that this creature fits the descriptions."

Riptide tilted her head as she eyeballed the other unipeg. "You said it was just a dark colored earth pony, right? Sure that you didn't see someone running by? It _was_ kind of chaotic that night."

Horus arched an eyebrow, stopping his pacing for a moment and beginning to walk out of the cavern. "As far as I am aware, there are no residents here who can phase through solid objects. Nor are there any without symbols."

Shaking her head slightly, Riptide turned back to the pool. "Good luck finding anything."

Elsewhere in Icestorm Point, Wraith was-as usual-wishing for something, _anything_, that would help in his current situation. At the moment he was desperate for something to block out the singing. 

"Th' church bell chimed, it rang twen'y-nine times, fer each man on the E'mun' Fitshgeraaaalld!"

Wraith sighed as he glanced to Blizzard, who was at the moment collapsed on the floor and singing a very off-key rendition of 'The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald'. "Are you sure that you wouldn't just rather rest, sir?"

"'m not dead yet! I feel fine! I feel.." There was a long pause as Blizzard paused to try and collect his thoughts, searching for the right word. "..happy!"

Sighing again, Wraith glanced to the newly recruited ambassador sitting by the cavern entrance and giving the king a worried look. "He's not this bad, usually. Really."

Still elsewhere, outside the citadel and in the forest…

__

Under the arc of a weather stain boards, 

Ancient goblins, and warlords,

Come out of the ground, not making a sound, 

The smell of death is all around, 

And the night when the cold wind blows, 

No one cares, nobody knows.

She was _hungry_.

Her stomach-what was left of it, she supposed-did the closest thing it could to a rumble. The rabbit she had devoured a few days earlier had been only a few bites, and she had already licked off all the remnants of blood and flesh off of her muzzle long ago. Sniffing at the ground, her ears pricked up as she caught the smell of something alive. Picking up her pace, she set off after the scent, ignoring the bare bones littering the ground outside the caves. The occasional egg case that sat on the ground failed to open as she passed. Nothing lacking in the right body temperature could cause a reaction in the egg. A long, low hiss caught her attention, causing her to pause in mid-stride.

Slinking out of the underbrush came a gaunt, pale green shape that stayed low to the ground, eyeballing her suspiciously. She smelled wrong; she knew that. But her shape was right, and a meal was a meal to the predator..

The lean, predatory pony lunged towards her with wrinkled back lips, revealing sharp canines and molars designed for crushing bones. It wasn't expecting to see the flash of another set of wolf-like teeth, or a snarling shriek in response. There was short, noisy scuffle, and she began to eat. 

__

I don't want to be buried in a Pet Sematary, 

I don't want to live my life again. 

I don't want to be buried in a Pet Sematary, 

I don't want to live my life again. 

In the treetops above, Lord Fluffypants peered intently at the bloodied snow below. A chipmunk minion skittered out after him, peering down as well. "Squeak?"

"…I'll leave that one alone. Back to coming up with plans for FIREY CHIPMUNK DEATH!"

With that, the two rodents scrambled away, towards an area where they would have less of a chance of being eaten. Below them, the surviving pony finished her meal, tearing off a large chunk of flesh to hide for later. Twitching one ear back at the caves, she set off at a swift trot, her hooves thudding dully against the snow. Above her, a bird spread its wings and took off into the air, gliding gracefully through the trees. 

Horus was in another section of the woods, walking along the tangled tree branches and watching the forest floor for anything of note. So far, he had seen nothing but a wolf, several deer, and a small horde of chipmunks. It was nothing out of the ordinary. The sound of flapping wings caught his attention, and his ears twitched as the falcon landed on the tree branch beside him. "Hm?"

Ra squawked, spreading his wings and flapping several times before taking to the air again. Horus peered at the falcon for a moment then leapt off the branch, gliding after him in silence. 

__

Follow Victor to the sacred place, 

This ain't a dream, I can't escape, 

Molars and fangs, the clicking of bones, 

Spirits moaning among the tombstones, 

And the night, when the moon is bright, 

Someone cries, something ain't right.

"'A scrapping we will go! 'A scrapping we will go! Hi ho the derrie o, 'a scrapping we will go!" Stormbringer's singing was off-key as she flew towards the wreck site of the Mechaponyzilla, Lampy draped over her neck. The animate appliance joined in the singing cheerfully, his voice just as off-key as the pegasus'. In the brush below them, the pony shuddered. By the rainbow, their singing was awful. She crept towards the front of the brush, low to the ground as she lay in wait and watched. Stormbringer folded her wings back, dropping down onto a large, rusting hunk of metal that jutted out from the snow. Her ears twitched forward as she surveyed the site, on the lookout for any pieces that we small and light enough for her to drag back to the citadel. "Too big..too small..too damn heavy.." she muttered as she inspected the scrap.

In the brush, the pony was getting bored by the other equine and the strange, talking lamp she carried. Slowly getting to her feet, she cast a glance over her shoulder at the pair and then slunk off. She wasn't hungry yet and she didn't particularly feel like killing for sport at the moment. Ears laid back, she slunk back into the forest quietly, heading off towards the closest thing she had to a home.

__

I don't want to be buried in a Pet Sematary, 

I don't want to live my life again. 

I don't want to be buried in a Pet Sematary, 

I don't want to live my life again.

Horus landed with a thudding of hooves again the stones that littered the field. Attempting to follow the tracks Ra had lead him to had been a bust, but he had a feeling that heading here might produce some results. The snow covering in this field was lighter than the surrounding areas, and it was ringed by large stones, each bigger than a pony. The earthly remains of various creatures littered the ground and protruded from the snow, ivory against blinding white. He paused for a moment as he peered down at one nearly complete skeleton. The snow and much of the surrounding dirt had been scraped away, exposing the cracked and stained bones. It was a pony skeleton-most likely an adult pegasus, judging from the shattered, thin exposed bones lying next to the skeleton's scapula. A sound from the brush a few feet away caught his attention, and his ears pricked forward as he went on alert.

The pony halted as she caught sight of the unipeg standing in the field, blankly staring in her direction. She had seen _that one _before. He was the one that had seen her as she slid through the wall and the pile of rubble, then chased after her, shouting about demons and other unnatural beasts. The unipeg had nearly caught her, too. This one was trouble and had to be dealt with before he started chasing after her again. Crouching down, she wrinkled her muzzle back and began to slink out of the brush. 

__

The moon is full, the air is still, 

All of a sudden I feel a chill, 

Victor is grinning, flesh rotting away,

Skeletons dance, I curse this day, 

And the night when the wolves cry out, 

Listen close and you can hear me shout. 

Horus flattened his ears back as he caught sight of what exactly was coming out of the brush, moving more like a predator than an equine. The pony looked close enough to what he had seen on Christmas eve in coloring, true, but there was one major difference between the pony he had seen that night and what he saw now.

This pony was rotting.

In the moonlight, the creature was mix of bone and stubbornly clinging tissue. A good deal of flesh and hide was gone from the skull, and blank, empty eye sockets stared out at the world. The rest of the creature's body looked as though it had been mauled-the throat had been ripped open, and the bloody ribcage had been exposed on both sides. Part of a pelvis jutted out of the skin, and the legs were mauled as well, exposing-and sometimes leaving only-bone in places. A low, drawn out snarl rattled from the ruined throat as the undead beast was still for a moment, and then the creature pounced. 

Horus was surprised by the speed of the movement, and swiftly found himself on his back, staring up at the snarling creature above him. He blinked, surprisingly calm in the face of impending death. The moon passed behind the clouds, and he watched in silence as the creature's face went from a half-decomposed skull to the intact pony's face he had seen before, with eyes lacking in pupils and bared, wolf-like teeth. Drawing in as much breath as he could with the undead pony's heavy hooves on his chest, he twitched his ears forward. "I must say that I am not terribly pleased to be graced with your presence, either." 

__

I don't want to be buried in a Pet Sematary, 

I don't want to live my life again. 

I don't want to be buried in a Pet Sematary, 

I don't want to live my life again, oh no, oh no 

I don't want to live my life again, oh no, oh oh, 

I don't want to live my life again, oh no no no 

I don't want to live my life again, oh oh..


	11. Conversations with Dead Ponies

Riptide's ears twitched forward as she heard the familiar sound of hooves stamping against the stone floor and the scrape of metal, trotting towards the sound. "Stormy?"

"Mmf?" The pegasus paused the sheet metal she was dragging, giving Riptide a curious glance. "What?"

"Have you seen Horus? He went out to go on patrol a few hours ago. Or at least, he said he did."

Stormbringer shook her head, nearly tossing Lampy off her neck in the motion. "All I saw was chipmunks." Her ears twitched as she glanced over her shoulder, calling out, "Hey, Feldspar! Could you help me carry this?"

The unipeg nodded slightly as she trotted back to the temple cavern, shaking her head. "He's probably just fine."

Elsewhere, in a snow field, Horus was staring up at a rotting muzzle and a set of wolf-like teeth. With a guttural snarl, the jaws opened wider, preparing to slash in a downward arc towards the unipeg's throat.

Horus bit first. 

He did his best not to gag as his teeth first hit bone, then flesh as a cloud passed over the moon. The undead pony squalled in surprise and rage at being bitten, momentarily going insubstantial. Horus abruptly let go as the ghostly hooves sank right through him, chilling him to the bone. Despite the shock of cold, he managed to take advantage of the situation and roll over onto his feet, wings madly beating as he took to the air. He peered down at the pony below him, who was now sitting on her haunches and still snarling indignantly.

The pony rubbed at her bitten muzzle with a forehoof, her snarl changing to a whine. Eyes narrowing, she glared up at the unipeg above her. She hissed briefly, then returned to rubbing at her aching muzzle. Although she was unable to vocalize the actual words, the message was fairly obvious. _That **hurt**_.

Hovering above the pony, Horus quirked an eyebrow at the hiss. "You would have done far worse had I allowed you to continue with your planned course of action." His head tilted slightly as he watched the pony. "Why have you refrained from departing for so long? I would assume that you would want to take refuge in the forest once more."

In response, she simply flopped down on the snow, still watching him.

"You truly are a contrary creature."

At being called a creature, the pony simply snarled and curled into a ball, hiding her wounded snout in her tail.

A few long moments passed before Horus sighed and glanced to the half-exposed skeleton lying in the field. "I assume that is-was-yours?"

With a snarling squeal, the undead pony got back on her feet and raced over to the skeleton, standing guard over it. Her ears laid back as she continued snarling, glaring up at Horus.

The unipeg's own ears went back as he watched, and he sighed again. "If you do not wish me to examine the corpse, I will not." Folding his wings back, Horus dove towards the earth, landing gracefully as his hooves crunched against the snow. He peered at pony placidly, not moving from the spot where he had landed. The pony squalled and charged up at him, halting only inches from his face with her fangs bared. One ear twitched lazily as he refused to budge. "I would be most appreciative if you would halt your attempts to kill me and act civilly."

She continued to snap at Horus as she circled the unipeg, finally giving up as he still refused to flinch. Sitting down, the pony snorted in defeat and glowered. The pony raised an eyebrow as she peered at the utterly calm unipeg, tilting her head to the side and sending her forelock cascading over her half-decomposed face.

Horus simply peered back. "Now that you are acting civil, would you like to try and explain?"

"Stormy!"

"Mmf?" Stormbringer stepped away from her work, dropping the wrench that she had been holding. She gave Nova a curious glance over her shoulder, twitching an ear. "Who's mad now?"

Nova sidestepped away from a table that looked dangerously overloaded with a stack of sharp objects. "A mob from Dream Valley. They're still upset over that ambassador blowing himself up."

Lampy jumped off a desk, hopping across the cavern floor with a clunking noise as he peered up at Nova. "She told him not to press the red button."

The pegasus turned, gesturing towards the back of the cavern with a flick of her tail. "I think I've fixed that, now that I think of it. Want to help test it?"

"No." Nova's eye twitched slightly as he spoke. He laid his ears back, pawing at the floor with a forehoof. "Anyway, they're demanding your head. And the lamp's bulb."

With a clunking noise, Lampy dove behind Stormbringer's forelegs. Tossing her forelock, she rolled her eyes. "Give 'em two hours or so. They'll give up. Or start a riot. One of those two.."

The twitch reappeared in Nova's eye. "If they start to destroy the library.."

Stormbringer grinned, turning and trotting towards one of the many worktables scattered about the cavern. "Don't worry-they won't. And come look at this."

Repressing a shudder, Nova followed after her, keeping an eye on the piles that looked on the verge of collapse. "Do I really want to know?"

The pegasus nodded cheerfully as she sat up on her hindlegs, pulling several large, blocky objects from the clutter. She gestured proudly towards them with a forehoof. 

Nova simply stared at the objects. "What are they?"

"Proton packs. See, Horus was talking about ghosts, and that gave me an idea.."

"Stormy, have you ever thought about how all your ideas end up blowing something-or some_one_-up or setting things on fire?"

"Not really."

The unipeg's ears remained backed as he peered at the proton packs. "I shouldn't bother asking, but are these things safe?"

"Perfectly safe. At least, they should be.."

Horus sighed to himself as he twitched an ear, listening to the undead pony attempt to snarl out an explanation to his questions. He was fluent in several languages and dialects, but the other pony's speech was totally untranslatable to him. "Is that the only way you can communicate?"

He was given a silent nod in response. 

Nodding back, he idly twitched his tail from side to side. "That is not exactly the best development possible, but.." Shaking his head, he blew his forelock out of his face. "You did have a name while you were amongst the living, correct?" 

Another nod, punctuated by a squeal. 

"What do you wish me to refer to you as?" His ears went back for a moment as he rattled off a list of different ghost types to himself. Despite wracking his brain for an answer, he wasn't sure what to classify the undead pony as. "Wraith, spectre, banshee, poltergeist, phantom, phantasm.."

The undead pony snorted, her ears pricking up slightly at the last word.

Horus raised an eyebrow slightly. "Phantasm? You wish to go by that identifier?"

Snorting again, the pony's shoulders rose and fell in a shrug. Although unspoken, the rough message was fairly easy for Horus to understand. _It'll do. _

Horus nodded, peering over at the skeleton. He could definitely see the shattered wing bones, but no horn protruded from the skull. Glancing over to Phantasm, he twitched an ear. "You were a pegasus, correct? Are you aware of why you lack wings now?" 

Phantasm nodded at first, then shook her head. 

Ears twitching, Horus nodded again, his tone curious. "Were you of any particular type?"

At the question, Phantasm nodded furiously, then gestured skywards with her snout. She made a peculiar, bark-like noise as she continued to point up at the sky.

Horus blinked as he watched the undead pony point towards the sky. He had barely noticed that the sun had risen while he was attempting to make sense of what Phantasm had squawked and snarled. The unipeg blinked again in surprise as he stared up at the sky. "Good gods. That might explain a good deal of this.."

"He's not like this usually. Really." Wraith glanced over his shoulder at the new ambassador. "Hand me that broom, would you?"

"Th' lake it ish shaid ne'er gives up her dead when the shkies of Nove'ber turn gloooomy!" Perched upon a chandelier that was swinging from side to side dangerously, Blizzard was still merrily belting out 'The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald' despite being quite drunk. 

The new ambassador grabbed the broom in her mouth and carried it over to Wraith, who took it with a grateful nod. Attempting to speak around the broom, he nudged at Blizzard with the broom. "Sir, please get down.."

Peering up at the pegasai above her, the ambassador began to consider looking into that job offer in Khemket.

"You understand how this works, right?"

"Mostly."

Stormbringer nodded cheerfully at the response. "Good." She turned her attention to Lampy for a moment, twitching an ear. "If that mob gets up here, just poke one of the piles of scrap. The avalanche should make 'em scatter."

Nova frowned as he managed to fit the proton pack over his wings, peering at the contraption with some trepidation. "Why do you sound so sure about that?"

The pegasus grinned again. "It's always worked before." Looking back to Nova, she tilted her head to the side. "Why do you sound so worried all of a sudden?"

"I'm not worrying. I just have an unlicensed nuclear accelerator strapped to my back. What's there to worry about?"

Stormbringer rolled her eyes. "It'll work just fine. Now let's see if we can find someone to carry this third one.."

Horus galloped across the snowy plain, staying out of the air for the moment. The glare of the sun against the snow was already blinding at ground level, and he had no desire to make it worse. He glanced over at Phantasm as she galloped beside him, tilting his head slightly. "You were a resident of this area once, correct?"

Phantasm squealed and nodded, her fangs clicking at the motion. Her ears twitched forward as they neared the citadel, sliding to a halt and looking around cautiously. She snorted, pawing at the snow and wrinkling her muzzle back.

"I would suggest hiding your teeth until I am able to give an explanation to the rest of the residents. The sight of your teeth may incite panic, and I believe that we have already had one mob today.." Horus trotted into the citadel, glancing over his shoulder at the undead pony as she followed.

"Hey, Wraith!"

Wraith started in mid-air, a movement which led to the now-violently swinging chandelier crashing into the side of his head. He dropped to the floor, lying stunned. After a few moments he got back onto his feet, shaking his head and staring at Stormbringer and Nova for a moment. "No. Stormy, whatever it is-no. I don't want to get blown up today!"

Above them, the chandelier continued to swing back and forth with Blizzard still clinging to it stubbornly. Much to the relief of Wraith's ears, he had switched to a different song as soon as he set eyes upon the pegasus and unipeg pair. "If there's somet'ing weird an' it don' look good, who you gonna call?" 

Stormbringer glanced up at Blizzard for a moment, while Nova just shot the newest ambassador a sour look. "If I get him down, will you help?"

"How could you get him down? I've been trying since last night! It's impossible to-" Wraith cut himself off as the other pegasus fired off a shot from the proton pack's gun, sending the chandelier crashing to the ground. Still clinging to it, an unharmed Blizzard gave the group a cheerful grin. "…Deal."

Giving her brother a triumphant look, Stormbringer nudged the third proton pack towards Wraith. "Put this on." As he did so, she looked back and forth between Nova and Wraith. "There's one thing you guys need to know about these."

"Do I really _want _to know?" Nova laid his ears back as he eyed Stormbringer.

"Don't cross the streams."

Nova and Wraith looked at each other for a moment, asking in unison, "Why?"

"It would be bad."

Ears still backed, Nova frowned. "I'm fuzzy on the whole good-bad thing. How bad?"

"Total protonic reversal." At the blank look the pair gave her, Stormbringer attempted to simplify. "Big boom. Real big boom." As an afterthought, she added in, "Oh, and you'll want to wear these." Out of a pouch attached to the side of her proton pack, she brought out two sets of goggles identical to the ones current perched atop her head. 

Nova growled to the best of his ability, shaking his head as he took the goggles. "That's bad. Okay. Important safety tip, thanks Stormy."

Wraith put on the goggles, resting them on top of his forelock. "What are these supposed to do?"

Fetching a cigarette from the pouch and lighting it, Stormbringer shrugged. "I don't want anybody to put an eye out." She trotted out of the cavern, spreading her wings as she prepared to take to the air. An eyebrow was raised slightly as she peered at Nova and Wraith's expressions. "What's wrong?"

The paired followed after her, taking to the air with a noisy flapping of wings. "I thought you quit!"

"You're smoking while wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on your back, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!" Nova's shout caused an echo in Blizzard's cavern, shaking a few chips of stone loose from the ceiling. The new ambassador made a note to look into the job in Khemket immediately. 

Stormbringer didn't hear-or acted like she didn't hear the two males. She spread her wings, peering down at the mob milling around the main cavern. "I think that's the biggest mob I've stirred up in years." 

Nova scowled down at the mob, still attempting to adjust to flying with the weight of the proton pack and goggles. "You sure that the lamp is going to be okay?"

Looking cheerful, Stormbringer nodded. "Positive. The little guy's tougher than he looks. Besides, that crowd looks mostly like earth ponies. What's the worst that could get up there?"

*clunkwhunkTHUD*

Various bits and pieces of projects flew through the air as the two combatants wrestled-or wrestled as well as they could. The pair fell off the side of the with a crash and the tinkling noise of broken glass. There was a long silence before the outraged cry was sounded. "THAT WAS MY BULB!"

"DIE, wretched little lamp beast!"

"Who're you calling little?!"

"AHA! With this POINTY metal object, I will cause FIREY CHIPMUNK DE-"

"Put a sock in it!"

The clash of the less than a foot tall titans continued raging through Stormbringer's cavern, totally unnoticed by the trio as they went about their ghost hunting.

Phantasm hung back slightly as Horus trotted into the temple complex. She flattened her ears back, lips momentarily wrinkling back to reveal her fangs. Stamping a hoof, she backed away a few steps from the entrance. 

Horus frowned as he paused in mid-stride, glancing back at the undead pony. "There is nothing to fear here, unlike the rest of the citadel. The high priestess-and what I believe it termed 'my partner in crime'-Riptide, is quite kind. I do not believe that she would wish you harm."

Looking somewhat unconvinced, Phantasm followed after Horus, cringing slightly as she glanced around the temple complex. The arrival of a strange-eyed pony lacking in a symbol caused some quiet talking among the acolytes, but the pair continued onwards. Phantasm paused for a moment to peer at her reflection in one of the hot springs as they went farther back into the complex, staring at it for a moment before destroying the reflection with a stamp of a forehoof. As she caught sight of the unipeg sitting in front of one spring, Phantasm looked to Horus, snapping her jaws once and hissing softly.

Riptide looked up at the sound, twitching an ear curiously. "Horus? Glad to see that you're-" She stopped herself as she noticed the dark, unfamiliar pony that was watching her with a baleful glare. "Who are you?" Getting to her feet, Riptide trotted over, a faint frown creasing her muzzle.

"Phantasm is the name that is currently sufficient. I am not aware of her true name, and she has no way of communicating it." Horus paused for a moment, clearing his throat. "She is the ghost that I have been searching for ever since the incident at Christmas."

"Horus, she might not look like your average pony, but that doesn't mean that she's a ghost." Riptide shook her head, peering at Phantasm, who shirked back. The two mares stared at each other for a moment, then Phantasm began to reach out to prod Riptide with a forehoof. The unipeg barely restrained the urge to leap backwards in alarm. Phantasm was cold-not from the conditions outside, but cold in the same way a corpse was. The undead pony became shadow like for a moment, phasing her hoof through the unipeg's foreleg. This time, Riptide did leap back and take to the air at the shock of cold. 

"I cannot wait to see how you will react to her appearance in the moonlight." Horus' tone was dry. At Riptide's questioning look, he elaborated. "Phantasm's undead nature is quite evident when she is exposed to the moonlight. It appears that she is in a state of decomposition." 

Nova frowned as he folded his wings back, diving towards the ground. "What makes you think that it's going to be the temple, if it exists at all?"

Stormbringer shrugged at the question, twitching an ear as they passed the groups of acolytes muttering amongst themselves. "It's as good a place as any." Her ears pricked forward again as she hovered for a moment. "Horus said it was dark, with no symbols and weird eyes.."

Wraith laid his ears back as he noticed Phantasm, who was peering at a tapestry on one of the walls while Horus and Riptide talked, lost in their conversation. "Like that one?" At the nod from Stormbringer, he frowned. "So what are we supposed to do now?"

There was a long pause as Stormbringer mulled over her options, then shouted out, "GET 'ER!"

Phantasm whirled around with a snarl, her muzzle wrinkled back to show off all of her fangs. Horus turned as well, swearing a bluestreak in his native tongue as he caught sight of the trio. "Provoking her is extremely unadvisable!" The undead pony charged as a shot from a proton pack hit the ground, missing her entirely.

"Run away!" Riptide translated, her ears laying back as she heard the snarl and the blast. 

The trio did so, flapping their wings as fast as they could. With Phantasm hot on their heels, maneuvering was difficult, and the guns attached to the proton packs began to bang together. The clunking noise of metal hitting metal sped up, and the triggers of the two guns. Both beams fired, combining…

..And nothing happened, aside from a scorched spot appearing on the floor. 

Nova burst out laughing as they kept flying, grinning like a lunatic. "Gods damn it all, Stormy, you make one thing that _is _supposed to explode, and even then it backfires!" The trio continued moving as fast they could, swiftly making their way out of the temple complex and soaring upwards to land on a rock ledge. He gasped for breath for a moment, then began laughing again. "'Get her!' That was your whole plan. I like it; it was scientific." 

Wraith raised an eyebrow, laying his ears back for a moment as he muttered to Stormbringer. "I think he's finally snapped for good."

Phantasm stood at the entrance of the temple complex, screeching once more angrily before turning and trotting back inside. Horus and Riptide flew out of the complex as well, Horus rolling his eyes and sighing. "It appears that once more we must take up the mantle of damage control and explain this fiasco.." He flew into the space above the main cavern, where a large group of ponies was already talking excitedly amongst themselves, with Riptide following. 

The acolytes still in the cavern didn't dare go anywhere near Phantasm as she headed back into the temple complex, although some fled as fast as they possibly could. She ignored them as she trotted slowly back into the section of the caverns she had been in before. The undead pony stopped in front of the tapestry that she had been looking at before, her ears flattening as she stared up at the depictions of several rainbow ponies.

Low in her throat, Phantasm made a soft, keening whine. 


End file.
